Words for Nerds - Valetudinarian Explained

Last time we asked for the definition of valetudinarian, a word that doesn't crop up frequently in casual conversation, at least at our house.

The correct definition of valetudinarian is ... a sickly or weak person - especially one who is constantly and morbidly concerned with his or her health.

A valetudinarian is in much worse shape than a mere hypochondriac. A hypochondriac might be more or less healthy, and his or her preoccupation with health may be constant, but not necessarily morbid.

I like the word because so many times, hypochondriac isn't strong enough to properly describe the person in question. The problem is, if you use valetudinarian to describe him or her, nobody will know what you're talking about.

This is why I recommend you print this post and keep it on hand. When you spring the word on your unsuspecting listeners, you can just pass it around so they catch your drift.

At Scrambled Toast, we're always trying to help.

Words for Nerds - Valetudinarian

Image by quinn.anya via FlickrDo you know what valetudinarian means? If so, you're too smart to be reading this blog. For everyone else, please take a guess -

A. Extremely old, outdated
B. A sickly or weak person
C. The person in a graduating class with the highest grade point average
D. Native to or from a warm climate
E. Smitten, deeply in love

The correct answer will appear soon. In the meantime, let us know what you think and feel free to cheat by looking up the answer online.

Speed Link to Really Funny Post by Meryl K. Evans

Meryl wrote a post just now that really tickled my funny bone, so I'm passing it along in order to "tickle it forward."

Here's the post, Speech to Text Software: Attempt Number One

Don't be fooled by the unfunny headline.

When the Conversation Turns Ugly

Had an interesting conversation with two fellow office workers (both women) the other day. All was going fine until things took a, well, ugly turn. What follows is a partial transcript of the conversation...

Person #1: There was a recent study where men and women were put in a controlled environment and given up to seven tasks to do simultaneously. Women, they found, were far better at multi-tasking then men.

NOTE: Personally, I’ve found this to be true as well. Mrs. MZM is ‘waaay better at accomplishing multiple things at once than I am. I prefer to do things in a more linear fashion. (And just for the record, ‘linear’ does not mean ‘lying down’.)

Person #2: Well, that’s no news. I’ve always been pretty good at handling lots of stuff.

Person #1: I think I might have a problem with seven, though.

Me: Sounds true to me; I’ve always told (Mrs. MZM) she would make a great project manager – multitasking pretty much describes the job.

Person #1 & #2: You’re probably right there!

Person #1: Also, in this same study, they put headphones on the men and women and played two different sets of instructions at the same time; one set in one ear, and one in the other. It turned out men were far better than women at blocking out one set and following the other.

Me: That’s true; men are much better at blocking out extraneous stuff and concentrating on one thing at a time.

Person #1 & #2: (nodding enthusiastically) You got that right! Selective hearing, for sure.

NOTE: Right about now I probably should have noticed the subtle warning signs. Alas, instead I blithely continued on...

Me: (protesting) Hey, it’s how our minds are built!

Person #2: Yeah, the problem is in getting your attention.

Me: (trying to lighten the mood a bit) Well, I suppose we could issue our wives Nerf guns...

NOTE: And here’s where the conversation took a decidedly bad turn –

Person #1: (laughing) A Nerf gun? Hey, you should just be glad it’s not a cattle prod!

Person #1 & #2: (both laughing uproariously)

NOTE: At this point I decided the most prudent course of action was to beat a strategic retreat...

Ten things you should never say if

If you find yourself in a teenage slasher movie:

1. "I'll be right back" - 'Cause you won't. Ever. You are the next entree in the multi-course meal.
2. "What are you guys scared of? It's not real" - Oh, yes it is. And in the next scene you're gonna find out.
3. "Oh, come on - It'll be fun!" - Mmm. Sure, if your idea of fun includes some dude in a hockey mask...
4. "Gimmee the bat. I'll take care of this" - Congrats. You've just decided to take a knife to a gun fight.
5. "The beer's down in the cellar. Let me get it" - Heck I get scared going down to the cellar even when I'm NOT in a teenage slasher flick.
6. In response to, "Did you hear that?" "It was nothin'. Let's go have a look." Pretty much defies any extra explanation.
7. "It's ok. I've got a gun" - Sure you do. But it is unloaded or it's gonna jam.
8. "You guys go ahead. I gotta tie my shoe." Hey, the mortician ain't gonna care if you're shoe is untied.
9. "Where's the light switch? I can't see a darned thing." Trust me. You don't want to see a darned thing.
10. In response to a knock on the door: "I wonder who that could be?" For cryin' out loud. Don't answer the door. Ever.

Ok, I dare ya to top those! I double dare ya!

Hey, thanks for droppin' in. I'll be right back....

Small Thoughts at Large

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

• Our governor, Rod Blagojevich, was arrested on federal charges yesterday. It's about time. His haircut is criminal.
  

• Three Illinois governors have served time in the slammer since the 1970's - Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, and George Ryan. Does that make us the most corrupt state, or just the one with the best prosecutors?

• Proposition: Public figures convicted of high crimes should be hanged in the public square. Which of these better represents your reaction to this?

A. Good idea, but we'd run out of rope.
B. Bad idea. We need to take stronger action.

• On a separate note, I've been thinking of starting a political party based on the idea that singing "Happy Birthday" in restaurants should be outlawed. Are you with me?
  

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New Contest: "It's a Sign!"

Howdy, y’all! Wow, after the absolutely overunderwhelming success of our last contest (Name That Thing!), I think it’s time for another one, don’t you think? (sound of one hand clapping)

Hey, I knew you'd see it my way!

Anyhoo, I was walking down the sidewalk the other day (or was I walking ‘up’ the sidewalk? Here in flat ol’ Houston, Texas, I can never tell...) when I noticed the sign you see here.

Now, I realize the trend over the last few decades has been to make road signs such as these as comprehendible compromisable complicappable widely understood, and by as large a segment of the population, as possible. I get that.

But still; sometimes I think we’re goin’ a bit too far towards simplifying these things, y’know?
The problem, as I see it (which of course may explain everything), is we’re gettin’ to the point where what’s left is ‘waaaay too open to interpretation, if you know what I mean. And I know I’m not alone in this. (At least, I hope not!)

Take this sign.

Yes, I’m sure we all realize the intended meaning is “Pedestrian Crossing Ahead”, right? (I know it can’t possibly mean, “Stop for People in Crosswalk”, because nobody actually, y’know, does. But I digress.) However, in my humble opinion, it could also be imbued (which is a fancy way of sayin' stuffed with) with lots of other meanings as well.

For instance, when I see it I immediately think, “Man With Painful Backache Ahead”. (Hey, don't run; I’ve got more...)

So What Do You See?

So just for the fun of it, what would YOU suggest as a new, improved meaning for this sign?

Remember, folks, this is a contest, so that means you’ll have a chance to win one of three valuable prizes!

First Prize: Monogrammed belly-button lint bag

Second Prize: Used apple core, gnawed by Mr. Middle Zone himself (er; that's me)

Third Prize: Photo of my Elvis clock

(Well, actually, we had these prizes left over from our last contest – again, that’s: Name That Thing! – mainly because the hapless victims innocent bystanders lucky winners kept, er, returning ‘em! Go figure.)

Anyway, just leave your suggestions in the trash can out back the comment box! Once we collect enough of 'em (that's code for more than 2), Brad, George and yours truly will get together and randomly choose a victim winner!

So keep those, er, card and/or letter comin', folks!
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Fess Up. Most Embarrassing Work Moment

In a former life I worked as a Security Guard/Paramedic on the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. When I wasn't busy savin' lives and cheatin' death I spent my hours in the security shack at the entrance to the pump stations or at construction sites along the pipeline.

Even during this pre-911 era, the rules and procedures were pretty strict. Whenever I walked out of the guard shack to check IDs I had to wear a hard hat. I also took a clipboard to write down the ID info for anyone entering or leaving the facility.

So I was working the construction site at Atigun Pass, the primary entrance to the Brooks Range. It had been a particularly busy day, lot's of trucks in and out of the camp.

I had my little routine: I would see a vehicle approaching, I'd grab the clipboard and put on my hard hat then head out the door.

Towards the end of the shift, a truck started down the driveway. I stood up, grabbed my hard hat, and hit myself on the head with my clipboard.

It's ok, don't worry about me none. The doc said the damage was most likely temporary...

What's YOUR story?

Words for Nerds - Autarky Explained

Image via WikipediaLast time we asked, what in the sam hill does autarky mean? For those of you who knew, guessed, or cheated that the correct definition is self sufficiency, not controlled or influenced by others - kudos!

Autarchy, an alternate spelling, is used to describe a nation characterized by independence and economic self sufficiency. When spelled autarky, the word can mean the same thing, or a person characterized by self sufficiency in a broader sense.

Questions.

1. Is autarky, as a personal trait, a good thing or a bad thing to aspire to? Are human beings islands in a vast archipelago of substance and consciousness, each of us isolated and firmly fixed in an ocean of nothingness? Our response to these questions has enormous material, spiritual, and metaphysical implications, so what do you say we skip them and move to the next question.

2. Why in the sam hill would anyone use a word like autarky in the first place?

Words for Nerds - Autarky

Image by Getty Images via DaylifeToday's Word for Nerd is autarky. What in the world does it mean?

A. The act of eating an entire turkey by oneself
B. A nation governed by the wealthy
C. Self sufficiency, not controlled or influenced by others
D. Extreme poverty
E. A type of logical fallacy

The answer will be posted next week. In the meantime, you have three ways to respond to the Word Nerd quiz -

1. Know the answer
2. Guess
3. Cheat

As always, all three options are acceptable and we even recommend combining them!

Name That Thing!

Howdy, y’all!

It’s time now for, as Monty Python was wont to say, something completely different! (Which is rather appropriate, considering Scrambled Toast is completely dedicated to stuff that’s different.)

Hopefully all of our, um, reader out there remembers my recent post Yes, But Is It Art? featuring this, well, I’ll call it a sculpture, for want of a better term. (And if you missed it, I’d like to see a copy of your doctor’s excuse.)

Oddly enough, this thing has no identifying name plate anywhere! Somehow, that seems like a tragic state of affairs, don’t you? So I says to myself, “Self, why not invite the folks to contribute one!”

Announcing the Great “Name That Thing” Project

That’s right, it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game, “Name That Thing”!

So why not help us out? Just to kick things off, I’ll tell you my particular favorite candidate: “Oreos on Fire”

C’mon; take your best shot, y’all! The more bizarre crazy insane imaginative, the better! All you have to do is submit your ideas right here at Scrambled Toast.

Don’t worry; we’ll leave the light on for ya.
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Image: Yes, but is it Art? by Robert Hruzek
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Yes, But is it Art?

There’s this circular flower bed in the parking lot right in front of my office building that used to have three flagpoles in it. Not too long ago, they completely rebuilt the spot, removing plants, poles, and everything.

Within a couple of days, the whole area became a plateau of concrete. Then, a few days later, this... thing appeared.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know all that much about art. I mean, Mrs. MZM, now she’s quite the accomplished artist (in oils and acrylics, mainly). But as for me, well, I’m afraid I couldn’t draw my way out of a paper bag.

But still... I’m always puzzled by what other people call, y’know, art.

Take this little jewel, for instance. I mean, ya gotta wonder; just exactly what the heck the artist was thinking when he created this thing? Or maybe it was it a lucky accident? (It’s easy to get a bit cynical about this stuff, isn’t it?) Did a pile of steel fall out of a passing truck and sorta landed in this configuration, or was it deliberately built, piece by piece?

C’mon, admit it. When you see stuff like this, isn’t it true that 99 out of 100 times you find yourself thinkin’ the question, too: Yes, but is it ‘art’?
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Image: Yes, but is it Art? by Robert Hruzek
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