Is There a Cure for Swiposuction?

Does anybody have a cure for swiposuction? Because I have a nasty case.

Swiposuction is the inability to properly run one's credit card through a card swiping machine. Victims suffer extreme checkout line anxiety, occasional homicidal ideations, and perpetual feelings of inferiority.

I look at the little diagram of how to position my card through the swiper, and it makes no sense to me whatsoever. I'll try running the card through all four ways, and if I'm lucky, the fourth way works. More often, the sales clerk grabs the credit card out of my hand with a hiss, an eye-roll , or worst of all, the humiliating, "My grandfather has trouble with those things, too."

Yesterday I hit bottom at Sports Authority trying to buy some golf clubs. After fumbling around with the swiper for what seemed to me like an hour, the clerk intervened. This twenty-something clerk, who made it obvious to his fellow twenty-something clerks and the waiting customers that he recognized me for the idiot that I was, ran my card through the machine with one graceful, effortless swipe.

All that was left was for me to sign and press "ACCEPT". These simple functions, too, were beyond my reach. The clerk actually put his hand around mine as I held the pen and pressed it into the screen. This worked immediately.

Help! Am I alone? Is there a swiposuction support group?

Scrambled Toast ... Word Sell