Interview with Percy Quiverson, Sales Manager Extraordinaire

Scrambled Toast finally caught up with Mold Unlimited Sales Manager, Percy Quiverson. He was hiding inside a file cabinet. Here's what he had to say about the fine art of sales management.

ST. Over your five-year stint as Sales Manager, sales at Mold Unlimited have declined 15% per year. What's your secret?

QUIVERSON. I'm not sure. I think it might be indecision. We like to keep the customer happy. But sometimes when we try to keep the customer happy other people go ballistic, like say our shipping department. So I tell the sales reps to keep the customer happy, and when the shipping department goes postal and holds up a shipment, I blame it on our [600-page] policy manual. So far, so good.

ST. But Percy, at this rate your sales will reach zero by 2014. Doesn't that concern you?

QUIVERSON. Well, I guess, yes, maybe. But don't forget, before I took over, sales were dropping 20% per year. So management shouldn't have any beef. When they get mad, like that week we lost our two biggest customers, I just blame it on the sales reps. So far, so good.

ST. How did you lose the customers?

QUIVERSON. Our shipping department went berserk because these particular orders were really hard to stage and load on the trucks. So I asked the customers if they could just please order from our competitor this one time and they HEY WHAT WAS THAT?

ST. What was what?

QUIVERSON. THAT SOUND!!

ST. You mean that cat purring on the couch?

QUIVERSON. Okay, whew. That startled me. Okay. Where was I?

ST. You asked your two biggest customers to order from the competition.

QUIVERSON. Right. Well, okay, maybe that wasn't my smartest move. What happened was the customers did order from our competitor, and the prices were 25% lower. So the customers screamed bloody murder and I had to blame it on our purchasing department.

ST. That's terrible.

QUIVERSON. Yeah, pretty bad. They owe us like $200,000 from old orders that they're refusing to pay. The accounting department is all over my case. But I keep telling them it's the credit department's fault. I mean, they should have held the orders if they thought there'd be payment issues.

ST. What's your strategic vision for 2007?

QUIVERSON. Will you PLEASE get rid of that cat? It's making hostile gestures.

ST. It's a kitten, actually. [To the kitten] Cornflake--shoo!

QUIVERSON. Thanks. My strategic vision? Hmm. Good idea! How about "the early bird catches the worm?"

ST. Or maybe, the early worm gets the bird?

QUIVERSON. Yeah, that's good, too. I guess.

Scrambled Toast ... Word Sell

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