Tuesday, September 19, 2006

19 Ways to Annoy People

ProBlogger has a new group writing project underway. Quite frankly, these are a ton of fun and at the same time, highly informative. This time the theme is "How to ..." Quite frankly, I haven't been so excited since the Chicago Bears won the Super Bowl. Here goes.

Do you aspire to get under the skin of a complete stranger? Do you enjoy bringing a ray of monkeyshine into the life of a loved one? If so, give these techniques a whirl.

1. Give your wife an ultra-romantic 10th anniversary card on your 9th anniversary.

2. When a waiter asks you, "How would you like your steak cooked?" answer, "Yes."

3. Wear one of those digital sports watches that beeps every fifteen minutes.

4. Pull up to an ATM as unprepared as possible. Wait for a car to pull up behind you. Fumble for a pen, scratch your head, slowly fill out a deposit envelope. Having made sure your car is not close enough to the machine, open the car door and awkwardly insert your ATM card. Make several attempts to enter your PIN. Abort your transaction in frustration and pull away, but not quite far enough for the car behind you to reach the ATM.

5. Buy a newspaper at a busy convenience store with a credit card.

6. Never let the other person have the last word in an email exchange.

7. Eagerly volunteer to go grocery shopping for your wife. Make sure everything you buy is just a little bit off: get tuna in oil instead of in water; whole grain bread instead of 7-grain; 2% instead of skim milk; low-carb salad dressing instead of fat-free. (As a side benefit, you will never be sent to the grocery store again.)

8. When your indignant 13 year-old daughter says, "SO??" you sing, "A needle pulling thread."

9. Go three days without brushing your teeth before your dentist appointment.

10. At the McDonald's drive-through window, ask if the french fries are organic.

11. When the restaurant hostess asks, "What's your smoking preference?" answer, "Menthol."

12. Work the 1986 Chicago Bears Super Bowl team into every conversation.

13. Be a teenager.

14. Ask your butcher if the calves' liver is organic.

15. Suppose your name is "Brad". Every time somebody says "I'm tired" or "I'm bored" or "I'm whatever", you say, "I'm Brad! Nice to meet you." (The key to this technique is repetition. You must execute at every opportunity. The first couple times might be mildly amusing, but the next 11,000 times it'll be a slam-dunk annoyance.)

16. When your spouse turns fifty, blindfold him/her, get in the car, and drive to your surprise destination. When you arrive, get out of the car, remove the blindfold and reveal the gift: side-by-side burial plots.

17. Bring a case of Budweiser to a French restaurant and ask what the corkage fee is. Alternatively, bring a box of wine and ask how much for a utility knife.

18. Begin every other sentence with the phrase, "Quite frankly".

and if all else fails,

19. Attempt to get through airport security in a suit of armor.

Please share your ideas! Surely, I have just scratched the surface ... besides silly lists like this one, what annoys you??


Stefan said...

Hi Brad
Great reading! Funny that I had almost the same idea for my post, but I concentrated on Germans to annoy...

churchpundit said...

HY-LARIOUS! My favorite is the burial plots. Thanks for visiting my "how-to" post! Thus says churchpundit!

brauchma said...

Great How to! Very funny! Why not end every sentence in a conversation with "...or whatever." Nice contribution to the Group Writing Project at ProBlogger. My How To is up also.

George Ajazi said...

"besides silly lists like this one, what annoys you??"


Shuchetana said...

Quite frankly, I love the way you use your own advice in your post intro :)
My "how to" post is up too, at http://lifepbs.wordpress.com/2006/09/20/how-to-buy-happiness

Jersey Girl said...

Very fun! #7 could get ugly! LOL
Love the burial plots too!

Rollo said...

Quite frankly, I do the #7 time to time, though not on purpose. Still, I keep ending up at the grocery store, ever since the Chicago Bears won the superbowl.

kim said...

I can personally affirm that #8 and #15 NEVER FAIL to annoy!

One annoying, but maybe not quite as amusing, tactic is the driver in front of you who just won't move an inch when you're trying to turn right at a light.


Brad Shorr said...

Thanks for the great feedback--much funnier than the post, which is EXCELLENT! It seems like there's a growing consensus for burial plots and inept grocery shopping. Whatever.

Jason Kotecki said...

Working the 1986 Bears Super Bowl team into every conversation is not annoying... it's the coolest thing ever.

Being a Bears fan and living in the land o' cheese and seeing Packers jerseys everywhere... now THAT'S annoying.

Olivia said...

Really, really, really funny...LOL a lot. I vote for #15 "I'm Brad". Just too funny. I subscribed; I can use a good laugh like this on a regular basis. Thanks!

Ron said...

Quite frankly I'm another #15 lover. I was tearing up by then already, but that one put me over the top.

Lynn said...

Here's a little game my husband and I "enjoy" playing. We call it "Where you the one?" Think of a fond memory you have with someone you dated from the past and then ask, "Where you the one whom I got caught with making out in 'Top Gun'?"

Maricar said...

Very funny! If I do even a third of the things here, I'd annoy even myself. :)

Lorelei said...

I'm annoyed by people who aren't matt damon. Very funny post, informative too! I was shocked to find out that Mcdonalds french fries aren't organic, you learn something new everyday.

Mama Duck said...

AGH!!! Making me crazy just reading this, too funny! Our how-to is up as well if you'd like to check it out!!

LearningNerd said...

Haha, great list! I especially liked #13: Be a teenager. I could certainly relate to that. ;)

The Foo said...

Funny! This one made my Top 10 "How to " list. Thanks for the laugh.

ItsAllLies said...

I must say that your list is fabulous, you have a talent for annoyance. It was very very. keep up the good work.

Monica Hamburg said...

Very good list! I also think there should be a follow-up ATM post where the person making the transaction deposits every cheque they have earned from 1986 on. One by one. Oh so slowly.

I make another suggestion on
this blog post.

hoppinmad said...

my friend is always annoying me by saying so, and now i have a way to annoy her back!
also this is a v.good list

hoppinmad said...

i love the "so" "a needle pulling thread!" my mate is always saying so and its really annoying! now i have a way to annoy her back!

Brad Shorr said...

Glad I could help you folks!

Ariel said...

Put on da list "Always talk about a band or tv show it eventually gets annoying.