Beef Wellington Lyrics #2

Here's a song I wrote way back in 1961, a homage to my momma's down home cooking I call My Sweet Lard.

Man, I miss the old days in Nashville, waking up to the smell of cornmeal mush, country ham and biscuits and gravy all smothered in lard.

Interesting side note on this tune. I'm getting standing "O's" for the number all over the Strip and this close to a recording contract. Then I find out find out The Chiffons ripped me off with He's So Fine. I'm sure you've heard of it. It turned into a major hit for them in 1963 and poof went my contract.

My tune, my lyrics.

What the hell, I thought at the time. I was in a gin coma partying with the Rat Pack. I wasn't in any mood to screw around with law suits. But now I can use the cash, so I've got my free seo guy and his seo copywriting pal trying to dig me up a good copyright lawyer.

MY SWEET LARD

by Beef Wellington (C) 1961

My sweet lard,

Oh, my lard,

Oh my lard.

I really want to smell you

Really want to taste you now

Want you dripping off my plate

But it takes so long, my lard.

My sweet lard,

Oh, my lard

My momma's trump card.

I really want you on my chicken,

On my breasts and thighs and wings.

I need you on all kinds of things

But the store's sold out, my lard.

My sweet lard,

Oh, my lard

Losing you is so hard.

I really want to frost with you

I want to deep fat fry with you

Really want to bake with you

But you're fine right out of the can, too.

My sweet lard,

Oh my lard.

My sweet lard,

My sweet lard.

(Fade out)

IMAGE CREDIT: Homemade lard, wet-rendered from pork fatback - Wikimedia.

Beef Wellington Lyrics #1

My free SEO man and some SEO copywriter dude have been telling me to blog my lyrics, so here goes nothing.

This first one I'm going with, Baby You Can Cut My Hair, goes back to the '60s, when frankly I don't remember much about what was going on. Can you blame me? Frank and Sammy and Dino and the rest of us boys kept the party going 24/7, and even longer on weekends.

I was doing eight, nine shows a week just off the Strip, and after I'd grab an early breakfast at the No Dice Diner which usually consisted of waffles, cigarettes, and scotch.

Smitty's Barber Shop, just a regular old barbershop, was right down the street One day I stumbled for a trim and lo and behold, there's this absolute knockout chick cutting hair. Her name turned out to be Rainbow and she was biding her time, waiting for that big break like everybody else in town.

This was the '60s, like I said, and Women's Lib and all that stuff was kind of new, so Rainbow was a pretty weird sight to see. For awhile I'd come in for a trim two, three times a week - CAN YOU BLAME ME? Smitty thought I belonged in detox, but it was all just to see my little Rainbow.

BABY YOU CAN CUT MY HAIR

by Beef Wellington (C) 1969

Your comb solution's like perfume to me.

Your scissors play a lovely melody.

You blow the stray hair miles off of me,

And with your coupons it's almost free.

YEAH!

Baby you can cut my hair.

Trim my mustache anywhere.

Nick my ear, girl I don't care,

'Cause baby I love you.

Snip snip, clip clip, YEAH!

Snip snip, clip clip, YEAH!

Uneven sideburns had me feeling blue,

My neck was itchy and my part askew.

Heaven knows what I was going to do,

Until that day I ran into you.

YEAH!

Baby you can cut my hair.

Trim my mustache anywhere.

Shape my neckline round or square,

'Cause baby I love you.

Snip snip, clip clip, YEAH!

Snip snip, clip clip, YEAH!

Doll, you never give me any razor burn,

Your cream rinse smells just like a mountain fern.

I'll wait an hour just to get my turn,

Then count the minutes until my return.

YEAH!

Baby you can cut my hair,

Trim my mustache anywhere.

Spin me in your barber chair,

'Cause baby I love you.

Snip snip, clip clip, YEAH!

Snip snip, clip clip, YEAH!

Funny Web Stuff for the Holiday Weekend

Here are three funny websites to keep you occupied for the three-day weekend.

Giant Microbes sells stuffed microbes. Instead of a same-old-same-old stuffed animal, a dog or a cat or a frog, get your child or grandchild a cuddly ebola doll, heartworm, or white blood cell.

Meat Cards sells business cards made from meat. I don't know about you, but I'd be more inclined to do business with somebody who hands me a piece of beef jerky instead of a piece of cardboard.

Tweeting Too Hard catalogs self important Tweets. Highly amusing - found via Lee Odden, TopRank.

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Double-Take

Speakin' of marketing messages (uh, weren’t we just talkin’ about that?), when was the last time you crafted one that grabbed folks attention?

Now, I’m not talkin’ about those namby-pamby, milquetoast kinda things everyone else is doin’. You know what I mean, right? Something like, “We’re the best because…” or “Buy now, because…”.

Blah, blah, blah.

Y’know, the problem with stuff like that is we’ve heard ‘em all before, right?

Nope, what you really want is a message that causes folks to do a double-take. Or one that sorta latches on to you in a “reach out the billboard, grab ‘em by the lapels, and shake ‘em until they puke” kinda way, y’know?

Well, I won’t say this one is really as powerful as all that. But it did catch my eye… Kinda clever, if you ask me.

What about you? Seen any signs lately that use the same technique? If you can snag a photo, share it, why don’cha?
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Photo: Buy gas Get beans, by Robert Hruzek
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Something Missing?

Yup; never fails, right?

I mean, you go to all the trouble to formulate your message. In fact, you spent quite a lot of time working with your leadership team, wordsmithing, wordcrafting, honing, polishing –

Afterwards, you even thought to try it out on a few folks; to sortof “kick the tires” and get gut reactions. It was some effort, lemme tell ya!

Once you had it down to where it was absolutely the best it could possibly get, you made plans to get the message out there. Hey, what’s the point of having a message if you don’t tell folks, right?

You researched the best locations, formulated the right delivery, and finally, the day came when your message was supposed to be out there for all to see...

Except... someone forgot something, didn’t they? Let’s hope this doesn’t represent YOUR marketing efforts!

*sigh*
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Photo: Something Missing, by Robert Hruzek
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When Good Words Go Bad

“Say what you mean; mean what you say.”

We’ve all heard some variation on that one, I bet. Probably used it yourself once or twice, even. Seems pretty straightforward, don’cha think?

Well, here’s a couple of little tidbits I read the other day from American Demographics magazine:

• When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
• A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, in Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick”.
• When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out companies in Africa routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside the box – since most people can't read.
  

Hey, that could never happen to me, you’re probably saying to yourself about now. Well… maybe. But sometimes you have no control over just what point of view a person brings to your, uh, message.

The Farts Store

The other day I was parking the car when we happened to notice the auto dealership across the street. I didn’t think anything of it – hey, it was just your run of the mill car business, but Mrs. MZM said, “You gotta see this from where I sit!”

I looked again, but all I saw was an ordinary building, y’know? Over on one end was the word “Service”, but right in front of us was the word, “Parts”. Still no big deal, as far as I can tell. But – color me intrigued.

So I scooched over in the seat and looked again, and lo and behold (which I believe is an olde English expression that means hey, looky thar!), an amazing transformation took place, right before my eyes. Up there, big as life, the building sign now proudly proclaimed in no uncertain terms: “FARTS”!

Now, if you’re anything like me (and sincere condolences if that happens to be the case), you’re gonna have to stop and think about that one a mite.

Oh, I know, I know; obviously the place doesn’t sell, y’know, liver-and-garlic sausage (or something equally disastrous, if you get my meanin’). It’s just that an ordinary light pole, when one’s point of view was juuuust right – caused a somewhat, um, regrettable alteration in one particular letter. Unfortunately, it was enough to completely discombobulate the message.

Hey, I realize it’s simply a matter of bein’ in exactly the right spot. Still, it was not only a funny thing to see, but the – can we call it an ‘incident’? – made me wonder how many other signs I could find that, well, don’t necessarily say what the proprietors of these shops think they say. Or maybe they do?

So here’s a few signs for your contemplation, from one of my favorite spots on the Internet, the FAIL Blog:




Hey, have you ever run across any similar images? Share the URLs in the comment box and let us all enjoy 'em!

The Benfits of Bulk Packaging

Buy Big, Live Large

Have you noticed that packaging containers are getting bigger and bigger? A box of cereal hardly fits in the trunk of your car anymore. And who needs to lift weights? Just carry a box of detergent around for half an hour.

Bulk packaging carries a number of economic and environmental benefits, which explains why the popularity of the bulk buy is exploding. I recently jumped on the bandwagon with this purchase -



After calculating my projected hair loss and life expectancy, I determined that this container of shampoo should be a lifetime supply. Come to think of it, I may have overshot the mark, but no worries. I have three daughters who will use it up in short order. Let's just hope they don't do the same with whatever money they might be lucky enough to inherit.

The problem now is getting the shampoo upstairs into my shower. The bulk container weights about 400 pounds and so far I haven't figured out how to maneuver it through the door from our garage into the house. People have suggested running a hose, but I'm not sure about drilling holes through the ceiling. It could hurt the resale value of our property, which has dropped about 75% in the last twelve months already.

I am saving a ton of money on shampoo, however. This 55 gallon drum cost me only $125 (plus $150 shipping). An equivalent amount of shampoo would have run four or five times as much, and that's not even taking inflation into account. Buy big, live large.

Things I Like about the Bush and Obama Administrations

I dare you to guess what made these marks

So, I went out to the truck the other morning and these marks were on all sides. Same with the girlfriends Explorer.

I found out what they were after some investigating. Wanna guess?

OK, there were some pretty good guesses.

Robert came the closest in that, yes they were moose oriented.

The marks that you see were caused by...

I thought my 5 year old and her friend had been wiping at the road dirt on the vehicles, so I gave a stern lecture about paint finishes and scratches. - Then the neighbor across the street told me that we had a Momma and baby moose over in our driveway the other night.

Turns out, the marks are from the moose licking off the road salt!

There you have it! Gotta love living in Alaska.

Twitter through History

Image via Wikipedia

tommyj Good morning, Tweepatriots!

bfrank Hi Tom. @jmadison How's your head feeling?

tommyj Ben, you like "we the people" or "we the american people"?

jmadison @bfrank @tommyj lousy! too much ale!!

bfrank @jmadison LOL . Tell me about it. Didn't need those last two rounds.

bfrank @tommyj I like we the american people. Or tweeple ...


aaronburr @bfrank @tommyj When in doubt cut it out.

KGeorge3 @tommyj @bfrank @jmadison You guys suck

jmadison did you see washington's teeth?

bfrank @KGeorge3 You suck more

aaronburr @jmadison Whats wrong with his teeth?

jmadison @aaronburr no, I mean he lost them at the bar last night. You can't understand a word he says.

tommyj RT @bfrank @KGeorge3 You suck more

tommyj @bfrank @jmadison @Going with "WTP". Messengering drafts your way.

jmadison @tommyj thanks, man.

wigout1 Anybody seen my teeth?

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zuwanderer